rest the pale light against your cheek
you’ve breathed better days than this
a blush that stains your skin
a high that never quite sets in
if we were wading for something deeper
i was too lost to wander further
sate the taste of a sharpened tongue
bending beneath each drop of nectar
could we let the cold air back in?
let the rush slow, let the sweat crave our warmth
i dreamed us missing, maybe it was selfish
delirious like we didn’t need to be anything else
burnt sugar biting at the edge of intoxication
anything but patient – it hurts more than it should
and we let it like we need it
softness lingers in the salt we share
leave us wanting teeth pressed into red
shy spit spilling from the caution in our words
it’s the craving smile that breaks the tension
we deserve to spoil ourselves sometimes

we’re always still; we’re always leaving familiar
how we yearn for the harmony of nostalgic songs
spoiled for choice, misremembered names
misheard voices repeat the same patterned phrases
if i was as strong as you maybe i wouldn’t need the way i need
exchange with me bloodstreams, amphetamine
romanticise the ways we dream between closed eyes
knowing that we have never truly felt what it is to sleep
and just like that we find a new addiction
sweat mixed up in the pills we crushed
nothing to do but waste our worry on time
nothing to feel but a confidence in manic promises
nicotine drunk, spilling through the fabric
in love with the way the glycerine stuck to your lips
i preferred the taste when it smothered your breath
i preferred the trace when it was the only thing left
when you’re missing i bury my face in the imprints
but was i ever really here with you?
indulged and neglected, back and forth and nowhere near
letting the words play out until we can no longer hear them

bear the weight of your blood
tensed through your teeth
the guttural omen, calling
screeching and howling
taut sinews until the snap
it’s not a lesson nor a ritual
it’s an expulsion of body
come gather the impurity of pain
let it nestle where it cannot reign
of all the silence we hid
the shifting of empty space like dusk shade
if we could tempt regret
it would call upon us numbly
faint voices finding deaf ears
kept the tongue from slipping down the throat
what if it was tangled?
holding onto anything worth speaking
such a chore to lie still
all you saw was idle hands
cherishing false memories and dead names
most of the time it’s all worth forgetting

death, come gather us in our guilty houses
the cathedrals that rot inside of our chests
such bedeviled pagans we have harboured
what sacrificial tokens have we forfeit
the idol was ripped from our grasp

replaced by yet another spoiled carcass
let the venom spill from its mouth agape
brimming with intoxicating succour
the waters were tainted from the beginning
we simply found a greater purpose for its poison

settling into the normalcy of psychosis daydreams
wading still, waiting for the flood
in the wake of miracle and punishment
we stole repentance from the hands of lepers
scorched the earth as they slept

as ordained, to the deacons the ashes sold
in the same breath prayer was uttered
fingers were crossed and the candles were choked
praise our avarice, bathe in its bloodspill
they’ll regret nothing as they mourn everything

release, reveal, regret
bear your hands like crooked teeth
meant more than it should have
all the slurred sorries
owing it all in cigarette ash
Stupid boyfriend inpatient care
felt guilty for the broken glass
plucked like petals from pavement
next time won’t hurt the same
there will be laughter and fireworks
constant lightheadedness, constant quiet
leaving when it starts
the parades are passing, unwatched
they won’t wait for you any longer
surprised the patience held for so long
no one left to watch you kill candles
not a single memory to be made
it was easier when the sun felt softer
now the paint peels over rust
hope it was worth anything in the end

we held the rain long past its fall
tore the fabric from where it clung to skin
for all the fragility we relinquished
withdrawal was the howling call within

yet in cleanliness the shame burned vividly
every intoxication swallowed without hesitation
every drop of blood and vice
deeper than the pull of muscle memory

we’re still grinding down teeth well past the root
scraping at the edges of empty plates
bladed remarks dragged out like spit strands
dwindling friends down to uninvited guests

would you smother me like smoke
fading slow as the a warm dusk glow
i want to be nothing but blood to you
uwavering flow, bone splintering bone

how i have desired your starvation
a prayer to be answered by darkest incantation
sweat spilling fervent for metallic intoxication
mercy as the gift of your hunger’s fixation

i writhe hopeless against your tongue
bound tight by the clenching of teeth
a visceral form, begging to be undone
for all my substance i am pulled from beneath

belonging as prey bred for the blade
disemboweled in rage like it was all that you craved
to the lust of your need I am so readily claimed
leave nothing left of me but what you have chosen to save

sweet, yearning, pathetic princess
your gentle need, overflow in excess
compulsive schizoid, lover’s shell
promise kindness but exempt yourself
you miss the bite barks and the burn
replicate the ache you so wish to earn
perversion sickness, suffocate the urge
to spoil yourself in all the sin you deserve

so you want happiness still?
or does violence call your name too sweetly?
intruded upon by murder fantasies
beyond the repair of poetry
your teeth rest in porcelain
pooled in grime and piss
empty train station limbo
liminal spaces where safety cannot exist

sometimes i don’t want to protect
i want the greed, i want to the drowning
i want what is selfish, more than i need
i want lies told in kindness, traded for sleep

whore heartbeat insecure, embodied fragility
it either means too much or not enough for me
the constant burn of headlight beams
soaked canvas scraping against the guttering

you’re still hiding somewhere beneath my tongue
tried to lose myself in someone else, pretending
my lungs would take what i should have stopped
weightless until the tension knots

aimless and stray in the lust of internal othering
counting time loss to the songs i’ve been swallowing
i’m someone else, wading through aphasia recovery
blankly gazing through the haze I’ve been coveting

in pursuit of sunlight fragmented
a shattering bloom across your bones
inhabiting dusk, embodying us
sometimes we are here, sometimes we disappear
like ghosts returning to the only truth they know

alexithymia avoidance euphoria
the trembling pull, a fading dream
of faint outlines dancing against eyelids flickering
mistaking relapse for affinity
laced lithium enraptured fantasy