couldn’t make out
what you had said
hiding behind bergamot
incensed haze diluted
deep breaths pulled
back against the high
feeling our tongues tie
tangled in the other

silk threaded flesh
lacing through
honeydew strands
dripping down
from the shy gaps
in a mutual smile
form seeking reform
softest warmth adored

there is a place for you
in the tangle of us
undone, under closed eyes
pulling closer, pushing out
whatever breath is left
to yield in silence
i will keep it closer
our home in one another

what could we crave more
the blanketing cherished most
in a body where we keep
all pur painstaking orchids
bathed moon meadows, lonely
clovers; counted possessions

we can’t help but recreate
from uninhabited houses
springtimes relived without
strangers as family
doorways barricaded
razors in pillowcases

what could be taken
from what was given
all that had to be
relearned in reflection
a new way to smile
on our own terms

you belong in kind
rooms that cry with you
a sanctuary of unbound walls
i can hold you here
because you hold me
no longer afraid

you are ripened
for exploitation
cashed-out open palms
hammer gripped
garbage bagged
three layers tight
bound, soaked, dripping
maws scattered to dust

delicate plastic
wrapped around
your lips
cam light shine
begging to be kissed
drink piss
til you’re starving
for it, bitch

come crying
coked, cut, fucked
bruised up cunt
laugh like fire
through your mouth
taped shut
sit still
its not enough

you’re not afraid
enough to love
ugly fuck
masturbation bankrupted
diagnosis male
loneliness deserving
suffer slow
your credit card’s saved

you’re stepping out
side of the apartment
a blade pocketed
fingered cigarette
against your lips
bruised indigo
sucked strap
dehydrated

every street
lurking stranger
has your pornography
in an open tab
some of which
you shared yourself
some of which
you didn’t

it doesn’t matter
maybe she’s sorry
maybe she’s caligula
it’s not their business
it’s not yours
so stop staring
back, they don’t belong
in your eyes

what is there
to atone for
or forgive
we’re burning both ends
it’s easier
instead to carve
out an island
a body of your own

to be weaponised
to be politicised
emaciated meat shielding
slightly less emaciated meat
they will pay you
to do as you’re told
and you will grip
your knife

doom paralysis calls
a thousand sirens
and they are all
for you
and if they aren’t
for you
than they are
for everyone you know

for if you aren’t
the guilty
you are still
the implicated
a forged signature
carved into casings
of bullets and bombs
ready to victimise

you have done no wrong
but they won’t stop
until they see you
burning
you bathroom rapist
you groomer witch
you tranny freak
you terrorist / sympathiser

and it’s always
the rapists
the murderers
who decide the blame
and there is nothing
you can do
but shout into crowds
louder than you

and you hope
in time it will change
a revolving door
of the same suited men
twirling, unimpeded
as you delay the desire
one more day
to jam your head in its gears

it’s always up to you
men will enable men
and you will remedy
the consequences
until you can remedy
no longer
and it will be you
that wears that failure

making up
for lost time
everything
i didn’t get to
survive with you
all the life
we never got to lose
together

i close my eyes
and see us
as broken children
mending
like we should have
it’s silly
i know
to yearn for dreams

but we’re here
now, trying
our best
for ourselves
for each other
as consolation
for not having
what we do now

i will keep finding
what is missing
and bringing it back
to you
always
a home
shared breath
scraps of us

always a stone’s throw away
from the bottom of a river
they present to you
a dumb corpse in pixelated text
and they ask of you
to find aspiration in that
misgendered brick
sinking deeper into earth

do you trust in their desire
to see you as more
psychologists and police
at your doorway
addressing a deadname
asking why
you cut your thighs open
a decade ago

yet you have explained
before and again
and will continue to
explain until you can
no longer see
your own face
speaking numbly back
your own words

your humanity
is a self-castration
and yet
they will not allow it
on your terms
calling forth
public humiliation
rituals unsubsidised

so you try to stay
kind hoping they won’t
hurt you
like they continue to
hurt anyone unlike them
because they promised
they would stop
eventually

you cannot help yourself
an endless feast
of faux allegiances
friends traced over fascists
a cacophony of recorrected sentences
argumentative search engine
subservience
what’s another word for “braindead”?

and i thought i was suicidal
drain another riverbed
indifference perpetual
fingertips poised
over generative deathnotes
slit wrist automation
if it makes your life easier
what is the harm in neglect?

bred to lubricate machinery
pour your hopes and dreams
into thoughtless routine
serve the cannibals well enough
and you will be rewarded
a warm spot atop the mass grave
how gentle an embrace
your systemic compatibility

it is a comfort to slow
my mind in you
to know “I’m sorry”
is unnecessary as punctuation

the relief is release
stillness exchanged
as quiet bodies
practiced by symposium

a newfound trust
in letting teeth separate
from a learned strain
upon unbalanced expectation

what a privilege to hold
such attentive silence
simplicity beheld
by the sound of your breath

it is so tiring to be
constantly a performance
how i love that i can be
so tired with you

lines of linen threaded through
what is bruised and what is yet to bruise
kept out the cold months, covered up
eyes shut to smother back the light

you’re tired in the same way as i am
it gives me a reason to be softer
lips left open to let the air sweeten
over a tongue used to bitterness

you desire like i desire
waiting on something that isn’t hurting
idle hands without ideation
meeting silence from where it grows

heal that which cannot be spoken
i felt it lessen through your spine
every shivering thought cascading
laughter through the pale

you allow me my own stupidity
aimless, unafraid and stumbling
we are more used to punishment
you help me see i don’t always need to flinch reflexively