lost track of what i can feel
distorted, desired drunken
lapping at the spit that tiles the bathroom floor

forgot what you said leaving the room
only to hear the echo back days later
not for the answer i’m left needing

only breathing between your legs
iron taste, it’s my only safety
non-existent when separate

handjobs under bus shelters
awaiting the changeover
hoping it never comes

all your friends laugh at us
their noses red from powders
taken like a lesson

daydreaming self-castration
bruising blue in promises
losing you to opulence

all the memories strayed
and then they came back different
distant in cognition

met you years passed in a place familiar
you were there with a different face
asking me why i am still missing?

kept the world faint outside my head
dreaming delirious, something inexplicable
waning into you, wanting to take shape
but i am unlike shared motions
i’m tracing shadows out of sight, out of familiarity
their faces read a different glow
i am not one of your own, not the way i crave
sinking into fragile blue, starless eves
lovesick skies undeserving of light
i form the distance where i cannot grow
apologetic denial becomes habitual
addiction to replace addiction
it’s a lost faith in a healing absence
desperate in the pulling of threads
unravelling in on itself
blind to the tangle that pulls me closer
still waiting for the blood to slow
i’m missing breath like a phantom
eyes drifting colourless, gazing through
how i wish i could belong to you

heaven’s grace rains from clouds of white phosphorus
hallowed light blooming bright in the eyes of His cherished young
as hymns erupt in chorus from such devoted lungs
their promised kingdom lays before them, burning like the sun

if man was made in the image of god
then god is mary’s rapist, sadistic and faithless
contrarian hatred borne from promises sacred
a covenant languid, writhing upon blood-rotted pavement

to the subservience of law you are favoured
an envoy of humiliation, livestock lead to decapitation
bodies bred to burn as fuel for contagion
the merciful gift of a genocidal nation

hell was unleashed by the hands that raised the church
true angels lay in fragments, scorched into the earth
fates delegated accordingly to their unchosen birth
to an audience of God, this is all humanity is worth

and sometimes i want, i’m starving
i see strangers and i need them to fuck me
detachment recovery, i’m fine until it’s smothering
pretending to live like i was made from nothing
heal quick but the scars are still forming
fell faint into the fog this morning
wish i asked for more before the guilt came haunting
pulled my own eye from it’s socket like i was owed a suffering
maybe patience chose me to draw the tower
bite the paper, fingers laced between the folds
like a coward, done only as i am told
i watched their expressions turn sour
like poison suckled from a dying flower
their love grew paler by each impatient hour
impulse tendencies to dour the air we share
i stripped myself down all for you to empower
it’s desperation that strangled the light from my eyes
i begged for the knife betwixt my thighs
cautions stalking, i tempt their lives with mine
i bind what i find, in debt to wasted time
killed myself a thousand times, no soul to stain inside
it’s trust that twined my hands behind my spine
and it’s trust that i forgave so blind
i still lie to keep myself alive

slipping, bind your throat
push until your eyes haze out
tension, pulled deeper
hips gripped bone against bone
taste the air as it drips
sweat, cum, spit, piss
leak until you’re fucking drained
wipe it off your lips
just to push it back down your throat
own it like you own me
bury your teeth in my breast
bruised fruit blue
devour me so i can die in you
balance slips beneath us both
don’t let go, don’t ever let go
i was made for your cunt
i was made to lose myself inside you
i want the blood rush endlessly
grind down until we forget to breathe
i need you more than anything

i sequence the injury in routine
gravel settling in the scrape-wound
i fill their jars with my blood
i fill their jars with my piss
i fill their jars with my patience
wishing it could mean something more
circular conversation and new medication
memories of taste binding to memories of taste
when will i earn my gentleness again?
i cannot keep peeling my flesh back over bone
smother the tears with sweat-drenched linen
i cannot promise to be any better than this
older selves linger like snakeskin
wishing for purpose beyond decoration
biding time until they’re lost in landfill
unaware that they’re already there
keep quiet long enough and they’ll leave you be
grow nostalgic for hospital window views
codependent for wires tangled up in veins
it’s easy to let go when there’s nothing left to hold
mourn enough and it becomes a chore
embraces replaced by warm water rushing over skin
it’s not your fault that it all comes and goes
forgetting becomes as easy as you let it

what if I promised sacred flesh?
what of my brittle wrists?
i’ll cum and cry on camera for you
seeing angels when i break and bruise
blue lines all smudged into my eyes
i read the reds in tide even though i’m colourblind
made you laugh when i cut the binds
sweet kiss the sweat that stains my thighs
dragging nails through fabric fawning
adore me most when i’m suffocating
i’m wrong to need you, i’m wrong to leave you
you hate the way i hurt you back
it’s easier to lie with spines aligned
it’s easier to bleed when the pain is earned
castrate what no longer brings satisfaction
grip the flame until the marrow turns ashen
my sins wear better on cleaner skin
my conscience slips at the smirk of your whims
let the scars form in place of recognition
a pursuit of remission from the kindest intentions

run from the leaves, the crowding
linger where the blade has broken skin
the pulse is negligent to your touch
but the marrow still swells by the heat of your breath
in another life, my womb was filled with stone
and so i loom heavy in the doorway of every room
what i cannot grow, cannot foster in moonlight
to be held only at a timid arm’s length
i’ve been a troubled girl, hesitant liar
my weakest silence laid upon your chest
it’s where I can bury my fingers in blood
form peonies from the frailty i bring
clandestine, you’ll keep me all to yourself
hanging from a thread of scorched silver
an artifice of possession so loosely kept
and yet you are bound regardless
i promise my teeth will shift in time
release from your throat when the warmth no longer flows
sink when i am lost in the absence
whole when the surface glows again

what am I unmending?
who is the blood i am drinking?
i ignite the oils to let the fires bless
all translucent as soaked-through flesh
it’s a grateful loneliness, a rapturing stillness
the clouds will take what they will
and you will thank them for all that is left behind
a punitive lashing your eyes take in kind
all waters will fill the absence in time
even if the grime settles upon the surface
or the salt crystallises in your kidneys
who would i be to mistrust god’s intentions?
the lesions forming are the lessons learned
gauze woven in with the pulsing wounds
trust only in the process even as it worsens
like lepers guiding the hands of blinded surgeons
will he spoil us now for every injury self-inflicted?
will our heaven be as promised by dying tongues?
and what of the children we poisoned in his name?
a prayer to smother the sunken cost

it lifts us up, it keeps us raised
severed from our limbs; the countless others
relieved of what we once deserved
a flooding grave of all love returned
a lust like viscera dripped down our throats
spoiled fruit, sickening sweetly
fucked the marrow from the core
in pursuit of the pain that we once abhorred
it’s the punishment that we covet
the bending of metal unable to break
a reliance on the sickness to become the fetish
resplendent in our pursuit of what cannot be replenished
dull the senses until the silence is echolalia
patience betrayed for memory’s intoxication
all to spiral in a disappointment inescapable
clawing at the throat of an appetite insatiable
in servitude to the faith of flesh i give
the hymns are blooded with all our sins
my god is neglectful, but it is all i know
we claim our heaven where no life can grow