do you still masturbate to fantasies of violent car wrecks?
do they still require documented evidence of your nightmares?
how many times have you written it down?
police gathered in circles making the same false faces
rabid swine gorging at the trough of your ongoing deformity

do you mean it when you ask to be fucked into unconsciousness?
or does the familiarity bring more comfort than body heat?
wanting less until there is more to want
compulsion of diagnoses, compulsion of burden-bearing
your teeth may be rotted but at least you learned to keep your hair clean

it hurts more when they need you
when you cannot love them in the ways they have never deserved
when they ask to be forgiven, so you give it to them
because you cannot give anything but your festering pleasantries
it would be easier to die than admit you have nothing left inside

you were never owed a thing, you have never owed anything
sometimes loneliness is boredom, sometimes it’s sanctuary
habit dies like cheap wine and ecstasy
the tethers were never there you just didn’t realise you could leave
spilling vomit across the carpet as you relearn how to speak

there is more to your hands
than what pools underneath
smear your face from your skin
despise your hypersexuality
suicide every night
at the discretion of anyone but you
they never learn their lessons
and you are so much worse for it

if you believe you are truly wrong
who are you to be argumentative?
who are you at all?
misshapen from personality exchange
god will say you deserved it
therapists will say you earned it
indoctrinated in cycles of legacy
whatever it takes to erase responsibility

all the fabric that wraps your thighs
is stained by dirtied fingers
all the lies you lent yourself
are leaving in unregistered taxis
you’ll spend your life chasing
the answers to the same question
never left satisfied by a single word
why the fuck do we do this to each other?

exhausted, impatient
bend my spine
to meet your lips
salt under nail
frantic shapes spill
across my face
i envy you
as i undo my flesh
to let you in
wishing you felt
what I felt
not obsession
rather acceptance
i cannot belong
where i want to belong
but i will covet
moments of invitation
let it define me, temporarily

nothing is built to breathe in
but the expectation is inescapable
preordained in disability
a suicide by chronic dysfunction
just another autistic tranny
baptised in stormwater

catalogue the bruising in gradients
in some ways i’m clean
in others i’m still ashamed
escapism is alleviation
a body not meant for consumption
force-fed through silicone veins

do you feel closer to god
when you jerk off to me?
do all your friends know
You experiment with e?
if you stare at the mirror enough
your reflection will laugh back

too many people i wish i didn’t know
in denial of their own vacant flesh
bystanders applauding processions
piling on top of one another
through shattered carbon and glass
sympathy as passivity

please know i try in spite of it
i don’t want to be like any of her
i live to defy obligation
loving everyone i fuck
fucking everyone i love
at some point we will breathe again

crushed down like cinnamon through sugar
jasmine blooms burning into clove
they will make beautiful things from you
sublimated by expectation and resin
untraceable beyond disconnection

it’s a fentanyl dream spiralling
a convergence of memory with derealisation
you can no longer believe in either
it burns at the back of your throat
smoke that takes the place of pavement

from the whites of your eyes, rituals carved
pleasant wounds to make way for sunlight
it was all given in promise for gentle kindnesses
a love you would never allow yourself
an impatience for your own mind

you are owned by lost time
enamoured with moments you cannot retrace
you wish you could hate it all but you don’t know how
a liminal existence of repetitious doorways
everyone is leaving without you

our needs are pure, menophilia
we are spoiled in every part of each other
painted by projections of plane crashes
silhouettes engulfed in petrol flame

often in fantasy i find you degrading
laughing with estranged lovers
always wanting what i deserve
underserving of what i want

in a constant relapse of identity
distorting into digital red
dissolving into unfamiliar beds
out of forgiveness left to beg

everything temporary keeps living on
a repeating course of antibodies
felt loved beyond the memory
i’m still crying as you cum on me

lapping at your wounds for warmth
it gets exhausting never making any sense
to those you wish could know you
beyond the depths of your cunt

learned a new bravery, trying not to disappear forever
i cloud my face in denial of all that surrounds me
every sickening inch of grime-smothered pavement
every lingering gaze of a dormant assailant

six years on and every man still fits your shape
six years on and i still dream of your head caved in
nothing but a husk abandoned to serve as a vessel for rats
life that exists as something more than you ever could

the stars are a blur of candlelight through coarse linen
they strain for attention over tongues meandering
take in their breath, the salt from their tongue
retrace the pattern across chipped paint and porcelain
if the high was enough you wouldn’t be here dreaming of escape

when you let them in they exist there to hurt
(when they take you in you exist there to hurt)
numbing fingers tangled up amongst pulsing veins
(tethered arms that take the place of your former shape)
mistaking vertigo as a shared ecstasy
(deluded in the perfume of tobacco ash and glycerine)
but there is only their reality trembling against gravity
(the memories of other lovers whet your appetite to break)
they can only cum when you tell them you wish they were dead
(you can only cum when they tell you they wish you were dead)

to them your sympathy feels like the headlights of oncoming traffic
relief is the sound of sirens always passing
laying still with the promise of negligence kept
an antidote to the silence that burns at your throat
it’s easier to miss things when there’s nothing left to hold

when I close my eyes i feel like i’m drowning
lapsed into memory, a tolerance numbing
men perpetually crowding me into corners
the weight of a vice clutching the back of my skull

i often find my body standing between rooms
exchanging nicotine-hungry gazes
with the kindest-looking strangers within sight
in the hopes that they will set me alight

they will never see me as a woman
but they will treat me as such
flies on the corpse of a fawn strangled in utero
i hold to that consciousness as if i never learned to let go

it’s a sickening glow that takes hold
undercurrents of bile burning at my tear ducts
lungs overflowing from the intake of kerosene
unable to breathe without remembering everything

within ritual i sought possession
woven into discipline, held upon suspension
blade raised against my tongue, piercing for confession

in stillness i forsake our trust
escaping grief by the spilling of lust
in trade of penance against your thrust

we ease with the tension of tears softening
held closer than the kindness of tethering
i crave to be fucked like you’ve never loved anything