what is belonging within you?
what angels writhe in your veins?
hasten the blood rush to your tongue
splitting between forgiveness and rotten teeth

laugh when i cry over threadbare attachments
the flesh i am left without was flesh i did not need
so why must i mourn on phantom pain?
cover up the cancer until the memories fade

but i can’t, and they won’t
my head still rests upon irregular heartbeats
eyes pinned back like specimens, serrated at the edges
i pull until my body is maimed limbless

do i reside in you, infectiously?
as you do for me, repeatedly
all of the worst things you could say
in occupation of every silence craved

you love me more when i hate myself
the temporary is tiring, cut the loss
repeat the cycle, a routine poisoning
on the constant verge of no longer mattering

it’s been easier to trust memory lately
funny that, your voice is no longer there
telling me how i should be for you
waiting on a constant change of mind
unkindness came easier with that
not to say i am without blame
i know i’m selfish in what i want
cruel capabilities intruding on thought
i know i’m lost somewhere between
good intentions and blind desire

i’ll remain a bitch but the anger is exhausting
the letdown of catharsis, turning away
to face a different wall staring back
i feel loved a lot differently now
no longer biting the insides of my mouth
i’m sick of fucking to make amends
i’m not crying in taxis before and after
some neuroses just shouldn’t align
one prolonged apology deciphering another
i’m more myself without you on my mind

soft edges, retracing scar tissue
as if we’re holding space for more
i often forget who is hurting who
it’s hard to breathe through memory
bloodless hands, you hated blue

i wish our wounds aligned cleaner
i wish you could see me purely
but i am reductive matter
no shape i form fits your intention
a body unbinding without reclamation

how can i become everything?
it’s not right but i would if i could
because i love you irresponsibly
manic-sickness, possessed obsessively
i fucking love you so desperately

please stray, please stay
i need consistency, i need erasure
borderline personality discordance
the gap in me and you
what remains there is the closure

it means nothing, body and blood
i can shed as much as you want
and it will wash through your fingers
all matter of meaninglessness
hair knots tangled in rusted drains

you’ll forget how to sleep
pipes in your walls wailing
victim speech peeling through paint
promises that you’ll never equate
to anything of purpose, worthless

i wonder if you will ever realise
a pathetic existence parasitic
cowardly inflicted upon women
will never take away the void
of your own eternal insignificance

the image you were made of laughs at you
the victims you slayed laugh at you
the universe fucking laughs at you
you will never know love endless
writhe in your hatred and suffer

i don’t feel safe outside
every man sees me as livestock

every man sees me as meat to fuck
a walking corpse on the sidewalk

i would run if I could
but they always find their prey

i can only hope they choke
broken bones to pierce their throat

wish everything felt less than it did
wish my organs were replaceable
the devil in my heart needs me
claustrophobic between narrow bones
there is only now and memory
nothing else known until time decides
then it’s there and barely held
best laid plans pulling on threads

i keep waking drenched in sweat
burning in my skin, i want it gone
saviour complex, forget thyself
a faith in fire to stay alight
every trust-fall, a death rehearsal
between blind hope and nihilism
neither choice truly feels right
never once has it felt right

aren’t you lost? aren’t you waiting?
you’ve been smiling a lot more lately
or is it the ketamine bleed-through?
i suppose it doesn’t matter too much
as long as you have found your happiness

as long as you’re holding on inside
throw enough dull knives at a wall
sooner or later something will stick
chipped resin over rotted wood
your mark will be left and eventually forgotten

i wish it didn’t always feel this way
sleepless and waiting on everyone’s suicide
rely upon the comedown to separate what’s wrong from right
separate the light from our eyes
laying adjacent in opposing lives

instinct tells me to hide from you
i want to learn to listen closer
why must you love me the way you do
like it means everything and nothing
dead flowers in a stagnant vase

let the feelings slow in your company
i formed it through broken language
you don’t hear me when i ask you to let go
so i grow to hate you for what you have always been

i can’t stop selling parts of myself
intention, by its very nature, can never be pure
waiting on the right moment to meet anew
knowing all will be unrecognisable by then

we don’t love in our actions
it’s a preoccupation of time in one another
sinking as a pill beneath a shared tongue
whatever distracts our mouths from farewell speeches

am i a bad person to you? are you to me?
if only it were that easy to know
subliminal exhaustion is wearing out
exchanging clothes and disposability

i seem to forgive too easily, too quickly
or I fool myself enough to believe so
it’s an ongoing practice of balance
at least i no longer cry when i picture you both fucking without me

count the sum of inadmissible parts
between you and i, the envious tension
something shared but unknowable
a hallucination of a memory

when we fuck i try to imagine how it feels for you
to overflow without a sense of drowning
a closed loop of completions
a purpose echoing back in reason

how can i undo myself like you?
silence sublime, an indica trance
i would give anything to live it
belonging where you begun

i watch you cum in repetition
you taste sweeter than i do
yet we remain indistinguishable
imagined as figments tracing heat with the room

i lose all consciousness when you let go
feel the dreams fade through my fingertips
always living in between liminal spaces
waiting for the moment it finally feels like home

do you still masturbate to fantasies of violent car wrecks?
do they still require documented evidence of your nightmares?
how many times have you written it down?
police gathered in circles making the same false faces
rabid swine gorging at the trough of your ongoing deformity

do you mean it when you ask to be fucked into unconsciousness?
or does the familiarity bring more comfort than body heat?
wanting less until there is more to want
compulsion of diagnoses, compulsion of burden-bearing
your teeth may be rotted but at least you learned to keep your hair clean

it hurts more when they need you
when you cannot love them in the ways they have never deserved
when they ask to be forgiven, so you give it to them
because you cannot give anything but your festering pleasantries
it would be easier to die than admit you have nothing left inside

you were never owed a thing, you have never owed anything
sometimes loneliness is boredom, sometimes it’s sanctuary
habit dies like cheap wine and ecstasy
the tethers were never there you just didn’t realise you could leave
spilling vomit across the carpet as you relearn how to speak